And we’re going to kick off January, 2022 with a dandy, short book by Christian clinical psychologist, Andrew J. Bauman, called “How Not To Be An *SS”.

I “met” Andrew Bauman on Facebook and was thrilled to be on his launch team because after following him for nearly a year, I realized he had much to say to men who’d grown up in evangelical Christianity.

While I’m not sure I would’ve titled the book this way (although it is eye-catching and that’s likely what he was going for), these short essays are such that you can open the book and browse through them and read them out of order, or in order, depending on your mood.

Here’s the back cover copy:

“I am a recovering ass. Of course, at times I still am one, but it’s less often. I now recognize my “assness” more quickly, recalibrate, and take action to make amends for my poor behavior. It’s important to acknowledge the truth of our mistakes without turning towards self-contempt, shame, or beating ourselves up for the harm we have caused to those we love. Yet, we must take full responsibility for our poor behavior and fully own what we have done and learn to live differently, becoming men who bring life rather than further heartache. This book is just as much for me as it is for you. I am in the process of learning to become a good and safe man and writing out these truths in this book has helped me immensely. I hope it will help you on your journey to becoming the man you most desire to be.”

What I love about Andrew is that he’s transparent with his own journey of addiction and recovery, and writes about it in such a way that the reader can’t help but feel he can relate – without the self-condemnation and shame that prevents healing and growth.

But that’s not all the book is about – it’s about healing childhood trauma because abused children grow up to be abusers. (Yes, women too, although this book deals with men) It’s about what domestic abuse/violence actually IS, and it’s not just black eyes and broken wrists. It’s much more insidious than that and comes from darker places.

Andrew takes on the evangelical church and it’s lack of nurturing for boys, the lack of “good and safe” role models for them to aspire to become, and it’s an eye-opener. He provides a “self-test” in case the reader wants to know where he might fall on the evangelical scale of “am I an abuser?”

People who’ve been deeply hurt, hurt other people. Even in the church – especially in the church. And this book has the statistics to back up that statement.

Women will also learn a lot from this book. If you’re in a relationship/marriage where things don’t feel right, where you’re walking on eggshells or don’t know when the shoe’s going to fall next, then this book is for you.

And, if you’re single, this book will give you a clear picture of what a “good and safe” man looks like so that you can use that ruler to watch for any red flags in your dating relationships. Of particular interest is an essay written by a female psychologist who gives training on domestic abuse, called “If I Were An Abuser, What Church Would I Go To?”.

As Christians, we can’t close our eyes to the fact that we have hurting families in our churches. The statistics for domestic abuse don’t stop at our doors and we’re not exempt from bad parenting, bad teaching, or dysfunctional relationships.

This book goes a long way towards opening up that conversation between men and women, wives and husbands, pastors and their boards/councils.

I highly recommend it.  *****5 Stars

You can buy it here:  https://amzn.to/3GaFF49

And you can find more of Andrew J. Bauman’s books at his website here:

 https://www.andrewjbauman.com

If you are in an unsafe relationship or marriage, please seek help from your local women’s shelter or the police.

The post Book Review of “How Not To Be An *SS” by Andrew J. Bauman appeared first on Laurie Wood Author.

We celebrated 32 years of marriage this past March, just when the lockdown hit everywhere. That’s an excellent length of time these days. We have friends who didn’t make it and ended up divorced. We’ve had our own difficult and soul-gutting times ourselves. But we have always come through the other side, mainly because we’re both too stubborn to quit.

Over the past five years, my husband’s military career had put him in two increasingly stressful jobs. So stressful his blood pressure became alarmingly high, and I was afraid for his health. We were living in the same home, but his exceptionally long hours at work meant we were passing in the bedroom and shower a lot of the time. We both felt disconnected, communication suffered, and frustrations mounted. Neither of us liked the situation but his work couldn’t be changed so we tried our best to adjust our perspectives and ride it out.

Then came the pandemic and the order to “work from home”. One might think these kinds of pressures would make matters worse, but in my eyes, nothing could’ve been better. Aside from our fears about getting the virus from shopping for groceries and the perpetual quest for toilet paper, everything in our lives came to a grinding halt. Although he still had his work Blackberry “attached to his wrist”, as I liked to call it, and he was on call 24/7, because the world had slowed down, so had military training operations.

My husband’s blood pressure went down to normal for the first time in years. He began sleeping more than five  hours at a time. We both relaxed because our adult children with special needs live at home with us and we didn’t have the additional anxiety that other friends whose adult children lived in group homes did. And we had the chance to sit and have coffee together and actually have a conversation!

It felt like a miracle to me. I realize it sounds silly—you couldn’t talk to your husband before the virus hit? Yes, but not in the same manner as we did when we were on a forced lock down. While other people were on social media moaning about being stuck together in their homes, we were enjoying playing Scrabble, UNO with our kids, completing puzzles with them, and reading books for the first time in months.

We had time together with our dogs, an extra dose of relaxation that comforted us. When we suddenly lost our golden retriever, Valour, to lung cancer at the end of April, I was so happy that we’d had that 24/7 time with him to enjoy what ended up being his final days with us. It was a gift.

And I felt like we “saw” each other for the first time in a long time. My husband found an unusual hobby—watch collecting. He came upon a new group of fellows to hang out with online, and enjoyed digging into the history of watch-making. I upped my own hobbies and renewed interests with online friends. I completed my novel NORTHERN PROTECTOR and turned it into my editor in May. And my husband, being home, had time to read it before I sent it in. It felt like we were enjoying my writing together. Another new experience!

Has it all been sunshine and roses? Not at all. I know we’re lucky in that none of our family has suffered from the virus. We haven’t lost income or jobs. But I wouldn’t give back these months at home for anything. I’m fine with life flowing at an easier pace. I love our new weekend rituals around special meals and watching movies on Disney+ with our kiddos.

There’s no doubt we’ll look back on the year 2020 as an historical turning point for many things in society: how we handle public health, view sports and other live events, experience school, and what constitutes “polite” behaviour by wearing face masks to protect ourselves and others. This crazy year of a pandemic mixed with heightening climate change is as traumatic as 1918 and the Spanish Flu was to that generation. I’m just grateful for the benefit it’s had to my marriage and my family and I’m holding on to those intangibles along with my faith.

What benefits have you found during this season of stress from the pandemic?

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